Presented with no context. If you don’t know who said the line then you haven’t seen that episode enough.
Disclaimer: There was no real methodology in making this list. I took into account how many times I’ve seen a line repeated throughout the fandom, but really a line making it or not making it just came down to my opinion and how lazy I was about typing out lines at any given point. It’s just for amusement and is endorsed by no one other than me.
Season 1 Episode 1
- Why don’t you slip into something more comfy huh? Like a coma.
- You wanna know how batshit I am? Nobody shoots my family, but me.
- Stupid Carl!
Season 1 Episode 2
- I never blow jobs without a please first.
- Crazy chick with a gun!
- You adorable psycho.
- I’m in a relationship with a boy…man.
A boy-man? Yeah, I been there. It’s the worst.
- I’m an Earp. I mean Earper. I’m an Earper too.
- If that shit-ticket thinks he’s coming in here uninvited again
Ok. Ohh I love when you say “shit-ticket”.
- I am The Girl with the big ass gun and one by one I am going to blow you all to hell.
- Do I get a badge? A code name? Oh my God, a flamethrower?
Season 1 Episode 3
- I want them to tremble with fear before me.
You have powdered sugar on your nose.
- This is not the kind of penetration I’m used to.
Season 1 Episode 4
- I’m supposed to go find all the people I’ve hurt and beg their stupid forgivenesses
But everyone hates you, Wynonna.
- Ego sum totalitar stupet balls. That’s Latin for “I’m totally amaze-balls”.
- I feel so smart right now!
Season 1 Episode 5
- Wynonna’s going all Wynonna again.
- I was just thinking I need another man to tell me what to do today, and here you are.
- What’s better than dynamite?
Season 1 Episode 6
- Make your peace.
- How can somebody so pretty be so smart huh?
‘Cause there not mutually exclusive.
- Wait. Did I just marry a skull?
Season 1 Episode 7
- Don’t be cross, I got wood.
- Your ass is like… It’s top shelf man. It’s top shelf.
- I’ll never play piano again.
Do you play piano?
- Chrissy says she scissored a stripper.
Season 1 Episode 8
- Waverly Earp smiling at me from her front porch.
Season 1 Episode 9
- You’re a lesbian not a unicorn, right?
- To eat geoduck.
Isn’t that the one that kinda looks like a p…?
- When I think about what I want to do most in this world… It’s you. God that sounded so much more romantic in my head.
Season 1 Episode 10
- Dainty and delicate in blue.
- Difference is, she adores you back.
Season 1 Episode 11
- Eat shit, shit-eaters!
- Dudes dig scars.
Season 1 Episode 12
- That is a Bobo No-no.
- I know, baby.
- Wynonna never said anything about you being a…a gay.
Season 1 Episode 13
- I am Doc Holliday. Yesss, that Doc Holliday. And Dolls here, he is just a dick.
- Waverly is Waverly.
- Slim pickings at the hostage hut?
Um, kind of.
- Please. I love her.
- Ohh, Waverly. You’re not even an Earp.
Season 2 Episode 1
- My hat! He’s eating my hat!
- Also I am the cops. Kind of, I mean technically I’m…
- I’m his… Wynonna. … Wynonna Earp, though?
- Ok, so this is my sister Waverly and her…
- Aww, you did math.
- Your head looks naked.
- Waverly, that is the worst British accent I have ever heard.
- How do you like my mustache now?
- Not today Satan!
Season 2 Episode 2
- This may be a shit show, but it’s our shit-show.
- What is that doing here near my snacks?
- You are the Earpiest Earp of them all.
- Baby girl, we is the team.
- We’re on the Fury Road Express, baby girl and there aren’t enough flaming guitars and gassy generals to bring us down.
Oh, I like when you’re scary.
- As long as you want me, I will be by your side.
Season 2 Episode 3
- Uh, baby that’s… That’s everybody’s thing.
- That’s my jam.
- Whiskey-soaked and reckless.
- Not gonna win cop of the year, mind you, with that public display of gal-pal-itis.
- Did I hit my head and wake up in patriarchal bullshit land?
- Lions and tigers and bears. Oh shit.
- Crazy. Awesome. Bitch.
Season 2 Episode 4
- I’m super bendy.
- Ms. Four blankets plus a bonus blanket
- Tacos are tasty
- You can start fires with your mind?!
- Girls are like guns…
- Siri call Doc Holliday.
Calling Holiday Inn.
Season 2 Episode 5
- Oh, you’re not vegan are you?
- Quit it, you assholes!
- Well frankly, Lucado, the situation is balls.
- Had a chance to regroup with your ginger Pop tart?
- Waverly Earp, you crafty fox.
- You’ve made an enemy this Friday.
Good to know.
- I would shoot anybody for you.
- Wynonna, you’re not alone.
Season 2 Episode 6
I have to pee again.
- God really is dead.
- What. is. happening?
- You taste like my Waverly again.
- We’re gonna need a bigger coat.
- Heaven help that gynecologist.
- Attagirl, Angelpants.
See you around, Bacon donut.
- I am older than the state of Colorado. Everybody’s too young for me.
- What would The Rock do? What would The Rock do?
- Have you met me? I’m always hot.
- I will judge you. Judge you unexpectedly awesome.
- I’m not saying that it’s going to be ok. I’m just saying… I’m here.
- I am all in.
Season 2 Episode 7
- It’s a bitch thing.
- We got a code rainbow.
- Would you like me to draw you a diagram? ‘Cause I will.
- He’s gonna shoot everything.
- I told you not to make this weird.
I didn’t say I wouldn’t.
- Ohhh, poop.
- … You’re now a crazy chick with a bun in the oven.
- You don’t become Wynonna Earp by confronting problems head on.
- Don’t “cutie” me… Hi, sweetie-pie.
- Aphrodite made me do it!
- Because it’s like drinking Christmas.
- We just came here for a drink.
Yeah. And to have a few drinks.
- Yeah, she means her gun. And I got one too ’cause I’m a cop… Ah, nuts! … I left it at home.
- How smart am? I’m…smart.
- Word of advice, it’s always lady’s choice.
- … We really need to skip-a-doodle out of here.
- Wait. Abort, abort. [gasp] Sorry.
- You are so pretty and I like you so much!
- That guy might be the… With… Him.
- Here’s to single motherhood.
You’re a superhero.
Same damn thing.
Wynonna? This baby, what is it?
Season 2 Episode 8
- You know they wanted to call you Welcome? Welcome Earp.
- Tacos are tasty. Tacos are tasty.
Father Juan Carlo.
- I’m the nicest person in Purgatory! There was a vote. I got a sash.
- Mind if I…cock up these mocktails?
Please. Cock away.
- When in doubt, follow the blonde.
- Because I love you.
- What’s my angel’s name?
- I’m here. I got you Waverly. Angel.
Season 2 Episode 9
- Holy shit, Dom’s arms. (ok that’s not a line, but that is what I typed when the episode started and I’m leaving it on the list.)
- Who buys one maraca?
- Oh fudgenuggets.
- I’m pregnant, not helpless.
- So, no defect, no bubbles, no magic.
- Sorry, we already have a Dolls.
Season 2 Episode 10
- I’m more of an Ikea kind of girl.
- Get away from her, you bitch!
- We’re gonna have a big old sorry party and I’ll make hats.
- I need you to know that I have never loved anyone the way that I love you.
- Oh my God, your Optimug Prime.
- Doc could find a dildo in a nunnery.
- I’m gonna milk that bitch like a snake.
- I’m her wife.
- Nobody cares about your body.
- Calamity Jane, you minx.
- We got no seals here. We got elk.
- What are you? A witch? A Pokemon?
- You know, we had an actual demon rodeo?
- She really loves you, Waverly Earp.
- My love…
- Give me my Nedley!
- Haught Damn, you made it!
Season 2 Episode 11
- I cannot die. I’ve only had sex one and a half times.
- Do you like pickles?
- If it’s right, you don’t think about the cliff because you’re sure when you reach the edge, you’ll fly.
- Waverly, you’re my angel.
- I’d do a lot of things to you.
For… For me.
Yup! That too.
You know, Sheriff Haught? You always smell like vanilla dipped donuts. They’re my favorite.
- Hair like a mare with a Hollywood stylist.
- Because I love you.
- I like your boots. I want your boots.
- Oh God, you’re so cool, Haught.
- Also, I think I’m gay. Call you later?
- Where you go, I go.
- I’ve got grass in my thong.
Season 2 Episode 12
- Stand down, you shit strumpets. And you, that is a woman’s coat.
New gay Waverly’s a little judgey.
- This sucker’s comin’ out my vagina. Yeah, my vagina, Jeremy.
- I’d feel it in my groin.
I feel like just for that I get to say “vagina” again.
- Nicole’s married.
To a dude?!
No, a gorgeous lady doctor.
- Wynonna, I’m not an Earp.
Like hell you’re not.
- And now… I have to pee again.
- I stayed because I don’t fit in here, but none of you asked me to. I’m allowed to be me.
- Just so everyone’s clear, I’m my own damn weapon. And I’m about to unleash all the shit.
- You read the books?
- I care more about this than anything else in the world.
- It’s fairly bad etiquette to kill someone after you’ve had your fingers up their vag.
- You are one of the good guys. The best of us.
- I don’t want to. I didn’t realize how much I wouldn’t want to.
- You’re the coolest thing I ever did.
- I’ve got throbbing lady bits and a rage to match. They’re doomed.
- You’re wrong, Wynonna. You’re the best of us.
- That’s easy. You are extraordinary.
- So how’s that divorce coming along?
- Dainty and delicate in blue.
- I’m gonna break this fucking curse, Doc.
Season 3 Episode 1
- Agent Xavier Pamala Dolls?
- Her name is Petra, she’s a vampire, and I love her.
- I’ll tell you what you can eat: a dick.
Season 3 Episode 2
- Jiggling C-cup? Breast…breast alligator. Booby munch.
- Waverly… She’ll be cold.
- I will be down and back before you can say “redheads do it better”.
- He hates the woods, I’m not leaving him here alone.
- There’s no more pain. No more drugs. No More Demons.
Season 3 Episode 3
- Oh love. Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
- The point is that I love you.
- This is a memorial, dipshit. Did you even bring a casserole?
- Does anyone around her NOT have a secret wife?
- I’m a vampire, not an asshole.
- Well then like a few selfies and slide into my DMs like a normal person.
- So what am I supposed to do? — Live
- You’re my favorite person in the whole wide world, baby girl.
Season 3 Episode 4
- I only call in sick during shark week.
- This just says “woods, help”. – yeah, can you?
- Boob smoosh
- Like a beautiful fairytale porno.
- Back the truck up. That is…more, please.
Season 3 Episode 5
- Waverly’s shtupping a cop.
- I call it the “Don’t Have a Stealth Wife, While You’re Doin’ My Daughter, You Enormous Prick”
- Blah, bitch. Have you met me?
- Put down that tart, Randy!
- I’m here and I stay and I love them back.
Season 3 Episode 6
- Well, that’s not canon.
- I guess the menstruangel can go back in my box.
- I’m vegan. – You’re already a lesbian.
- Uh, huge dick…He IS a huge dick. I don’t know about his size…down there.
Season 3 Episode 7
- Nedley, are you looking at my ass? – No.
- What on God’s flat earth is that?!
- Guac-a-cuse me?
- Golden Girls Trivia – Drinking.
- I feel college.
- You be Scott. – You be Tessa.
- I miss Macaulay Culkin! – Tell Waverly I love her!
- I know she’s great in bed because my house has very thin walls.
- I think this would be a really good time to tell you that I am a LESBIAN.
- Everything good that I have in my life is because I came back to the Ghost River Triangle.
Season 3 Episode 8
- We all know who wrote history and how they have a habit of leaving people who look like me out of official records.
- Power recognizes power.
- He’s like a beautiful shirtless Roomba.
- Constance Clootie! Woman, can’t I have one goddamn dinner party without you getting all up in my biscuits?!
- It’s no small thing. To be able to choose your own end.
Season 3 Episode 9
- When we get that thing off, we get off.
- Everyone stop saying Derek!
- Leeroy Jenkins!!
- Girl, put a mitt on it
- This is Purgatory, Jeremy. I carry a lot of shit in my backpack
- Waverly Earp…you sweet little lesbian.
Season 3 Episode 10
- We must, we must, we must – we must increase our bust?
- And your name’s Kevin? – Did I stutter?
- I don’t have a boyfriend? – Is it the bangs?
- You are Wyatt Earp’s boyfriend.
- Copper’s down with Victoria’s Secret.
- Ya eyebrows are on fleek!
- Are you a good guy or a bad guy?
- If I ever see you again, John Henry… I will kill you.
- You’re the only thing that keeps me going. You’re the light, Waverly.
Season 3 Episode 11
- We gotta talk about Kevin.
- This is bigger than you. – I’ll tell you what’s bigger than you. Me.
- I am the sheriff in a town under siege! I can’t just road-trip my homey down to Austin for tacos!
- What makes you think I was a boyscout? – Your face…the whole thing really.
- She’s brave and loyal and really great in…at, uh, being a good person.
- I even kinda love you.
- Does anyone have a phone? We should Periscope this.
- You Happened. You always happen, Wynonna.
Season 3 Episode 12
- I fucking loved hunting and killing you all.
- You’re my personal meditation app. – You can double-tap me anytime.
- But how does my hair look?
- Never apologize for love, red.
- We cut through ’em like RuPaul cuts through performances without heart.
- Did Lou Bega give up when Mambos 1 through 4 failed? No, he wrote Mambo no. 5 and the rest is music history.
- I do, Nicole Rayleigh Haught. I really really love you.
- I’m just a girl with a big ass…ass. – Girl. – You’re right, them boots is tight. – Yeah, Top Shelf.
- Am I your backup? – I think we both know I’m yours…angel.
- I don’t want Nedley to die.
- I bested your mom.
- Wynonna Earp, You are chosen.
- VALDEZ (!!!!)
- Fuck yeah.
Brave little toaster
Earp it Forward
“I’m a cheetah.”
Unkillable Gay Squad.
The Floor is lava.