Wynonna Earp Lines That I Put On A List: S4 Update

Presented with no context. If you don’t know who said the line then you haven’t seen that episode enough.

Disclaimer: There was no real methodology in making this list. I took into account how many times I’ve seen a line repeated throughout the fandom, but really a line making it or not making it just came down to my opinion and how lazy I was about typing out lines at any given point. It’s just for amusement and is endorsed by no one other than me.

Season 1 Episode 1

  • Why don’t you slip into something more comfy huh? Like a coma.
  • You wanna know how batshit I am? Nobody shoots my family, but me.
  • Stupid Carl!

Season 1 Episode 2

  • I never blow jobs without a please first.
  • Crazy chick with a gun!
  • You adorable psycho.
  • I’m in a relationship with a boy…man.
    A boy-man? Yeah, I been there. It’s the worst.
  • I’m an Earp. I mean Earper. I’m an Earper too.
  • If that shit-ticket thinks he’s coming in here uninvited again
    Ok. Ohh I love when you say “shit-ticket”.
  • I am The Girl with the big ass gun and one by one I am going to blow you all to hell.
  • Do I get a badge? A code name? Oh my God, a flamethrower?

Season 1 Episode 3

  • I want them to tremble with fear before me.
    You have powdered sugar on your nose.
  • This is not the kind of penetration I’m used to.

Season 1 Episode 4

  • I’m supposed to go find all the people I’ve hurt and beg their stupid forgivenesses
    But everyone hates you, Wynonna.
    I’m aware.
  • Ego sum totalitar stupet balls. That’s Latin for “I’m totally amaze-balls”.
  • I feel so smart right now!

Season 1 Episode 5

  •  Wynonna’s going all Wynonna again.
  • I was just thinking I need another man to tell me what to do today, and here you are.
  • What’s better than dynamite?
    Boobs.

Season 1 Episode 6

  • Make your peace.
  • How can somebody so pretty be so smart huh?
    ‘Cause there not mutually exclusive.
  • Wait. Did I just marry a skull?

Season 1 Episode 7

  • Don’t be cross, I got wood.
  • Your ass is like… It’s top shelf man. It’s top shelf.
  • I’ll never play piano again.
    Do you play piano?
    No.
  • Chrissy says she scissored a stripper.

Season 1 Episode 8

  • Waverly Earp smiling at me from her front porch.

Season 1 Episode 9

  • You’re a lesbian not a unicorn, right?
  • To eat geoduck.
    Isn’t that the one that kinda looks like a p…?
  • When I think about what I want to do most in this world… It’s you. God that sounded so much more romantic in my head.

Season 1 Episode 10

  • Dainty and delicate in blue.
  • Difference is, she adores you back.

Season 1 Episode 11

  • Eat shit, shit-eaters!
  • Dudes dig scars.
    Do chicks?

Season 1 Episode 12

  • That is a Bobo No-no.
  • I know, baby.
  • Wynonna never said anything about you being a…a gay.

Season 1 Episode 13

  • I am Doc Holliday. Yesss, that Doc Holliday. And Dolls here, he is just a dick.
  • Waverly is Waverly.
  • Slim pickings at the hostage hut?
  • Girlfriend?
    Um, kind of.
    Kind of?
  • Please. I love her.
  • Ohh, Waverly. You’re not even an Earp.

Season 2 Episode 1

  • My hat! He’s eating my hat!
  • Also I am the cops. Kind of, I mean technically I’m…
  • I’m his… Wynonna. … Wynonna Earp, though?
  • Ok, so this is my sister Waverly and her…
    Girlfriend.
  • Aww, you did math.
  • Your head looks naked.
  • Waverly, that is the worst British accent I have ever heard.
  • How do you like my mustache now?
  • Not today Satan!

Season 2 Episode 2

  • This may be a shit show, but it’s our shit-show.
  • What is that doing here near my snacks?
  • You are the Earpiest Earp of them all.
  • Baby girl, we is the team.
  • We’re on the Fury Road Express, baby girl and there aren’t enough flaming guitars and gassy generals to bring us down.
    Oh, I like when you’re scary.
  • As long as you want me, I will be by your side.

Season 2 Episode 3

  • Wow.
  • Uh, baby that’s… That’s everybody’s thing.
  • That’s my jam.
  • Whiskey-soaked and reckless.
  • B-Train
  • Not gonna win cop of the year, mind you, with that public display of gal-pal-itis.
  • Did I hit my head and wake up in patriarchal bullshit land?
  • Lions and tigers and bears. Oh shit.
  • Crazy. Awesome. Bitch.

Season 2 Episode 4

  • Assholery?
  • I’m super bendy.
  • Thunderation!
  • Ms. Four blankets plus a bonus blanket
  • Tacos are tasty
  • You can start fires with your mind?!
  • Girls are like guns…
  • Siri call Doc Holliday.
    Calling Holiday Inn.
    Stupid bitch.

Season 2 Episode 5

  • Oh, you’re not vegan are you?
  • Quit it, you assholes!
  • Well frankly, Lucado, the situation is balls.
  • Had a chance to regroup with your ginger Pop tart?
  • Waverly Earp, you crafty fox.
  • You’ve made an enemy this Friday.
    It’s Tuesday.
    Good to know.
  • I would shoot anybody for you.
  • Wynonna, you’re not alone.

Season 2 Episode 6

  • Shit!
    What?
    I have to pee again.
  • God really is dead.
  • What. is. happening?
  • You taste like my Waverly again.
  • We’re gonna need a bigger coat.
  • Heaven help that gynecologist.
  • Attagirl, Angelpants.
    See you around, Bacon donut.
  • I am older than the state of Colorado. Everybody’s too young for me.
  • What would The Rock do? What would The Rock do?
  • Have you met me? I’m always hot.
  • I will judge you. Judge you unexpectedly awesome.
  • I’m not saying that it’s going to be ok. I’m just saying… I’m here.
  • I am all in.

Season 2 Episode 7

  • It’s a bitch thing.
  • We got a code rainbow.
  • Would you like me to draw you a diagram? ‘Cause I will.
  • He’s gonna shoot everything.
  • I told you not to make this weird.
    I didn’t say I wouldn’t.
  • Ohhh, poop.
  • … You’re now a crazy chick with a bun in the oven.
  • You don’t become Wynonna Earp by confronting problems head on.
  • Don’t “cutie” me… Hi, sweetie-pie.
  • Aphrodite made me do it!
  • Because it’s like drinking Christmas.
  • We just came here for a drink.
    Yeah. And to have a few drinks.
  • Yeah, she means her gun. And I got one too ’cause I’m a cop… Ah, nuts! … I left it at home.
  • How smart am? I’m…smart.
  • Word of advice, it’s always lady’s choice.
  • … We really need to skip-a-doodle out of here.
  • Wait. Abort, abort. [gasp] Sorry.
  • You are so pretty and I like you so much!
  • That guy might be the… With… Him.
  • Here’s to single motherhood.
    You’re a superhero.
    Same damn thing.
    Wynonna? This baby, what is it?
    Ours.

Season 2 Episode 8

  • You know they wanted to call you Welcome? Welcome Earp.
  • Tacos are tasty. Tacos are tasty.
  • Traitor!
    Bitch.
    Father Juan Carlo.
  • I’m the nicest person in Purgatory! There was a vote. I got a sash.
  • Mind if I…cock up these mocktails?
    Please. Cock away.
  • When in doubt, follow the blonde.
  • Because I love you.
  • What’s my angel’s name?
    Waverly.
  • I’m here. I got you Waverly. Angel.

Season 2 Episode 9

  • Holy shit, Dom’s arms. (ok that’s not a line, but that is what I typed when the episode started and I’m leaving it on the list.)
  • Who buys one maraca?
  • Oh fudgenuggets.
  • I’m pregnant, not helpless.
  • So, no defect, no bubbles, no magic.
  • Sorry, we already have a Dolls.

Season 2 Episode 10

  • I’m more of an Ikea kind of girl.
  • Get away from her, you bitch!
  • We’re gonna have a big old sorry party and I’ll make hats.
  • I need you to know that I have never loved anyone the way that I love you.
  • Oh my God, your Optimug Prime.
  • Doc could find a dildo in a nunnery.
  • I’m gonna milk that bitch like a snake.
  • I’m her wife.
  • Nobody cares about your body.
  • Calamity Jane, you minx.
  • We got no seals here. We got elk.
  • What are you? A witch? A Pokemon?
  • You know, we had an actual demon rodeo?
  • She really loves you, Waverly Earp.
  • My love…
  • Give me my Nedley!
  • Haught Damn, you made it!
  • WYNONNA!!!

Season 2 Episode 11

  • I cannot die. I’ve only had sex one and a half times.
  • Do you like pickles?
    Love ’em.
  • If it’s right, you don’t think about the cliff because you’re sure when you reach the edge, you’ll fly.
  • Waverly, you’re my angel.
  • I’d do a lot of things to you.
    For… For me.
    Yup! That too.
    You know, Sheriff Haught? You always smell like vanilla dipped donuts. They’re my favorite.
  • Hair like a mare with a Hollywood stylist.
  • Because I love you.
  • I like your boots. I want your boots.
  • Oh God, you’re so cool, Haught.
  • Also, I think I’m gay. Call you later?
  • Where you go, I go.
  • I’ve got grass in my thong.

Season 2 Episode 12

  • Stand down, you shit strumpets. And you, that is a woman’s coat.
    New gay Waverly’s a little judgey.
  • This sucker’s comin’ out my vagina. Yeah, my vagina, Jeremy.
  • I’d feel it in my groin.
    I feel like just for that I get to say “vagina” again.
  • Nicole’s married.
    To a dude?!
    No, a gorgeous lady doctor.
  • Wynonna, I’m not an Earp.
    Like hell you’re not.
  • And now… I have to pee again.
  • I stayed because I don’t fit in here, but none of you asked me to. I’m allowed to be me.
  • Just so everyone’s clear, I’m my own damn weapon. And I’m about to unleash all the shit.
  • You read the books?
    The Wikipedia.
  • I care more about this than anything else in the world.
  • It’s fairly bad etiquette to kill someone after you’ve had your fingers up their vag.
  • You are one of the good guys. The best of us.
  • I don’t want to. I didn’t realize how much I wouldn’t want to.
  • You’re the coolest thing I ever did.
  • I’ve got throbbing lady bits and a rage to match. They’re doomed.
  • You’re wrong, Wynonna. You’re the best of us.
  • That’s easy. You are extraordinary.
  • So how’s that divorce coming along?
  • Wayhaught.
  • Dainty and delicate in blue.
  • I’m gonna break this fucking curse, Doc.

Season 3 Episode 1

  • Agent Xavier Pamala Dolls?
  • Her name is Petra, she’s a vampire, and I love her.
  • I’ll tell you what you can eat: a dick.

Season 3 Episode 2

  • Jiggling C-cup? Breast…breast alligator. Booby munch.
  • Waverly… She’ll be cold.
  • I will be down and back before you can say “redheads do it better”.
  • He hates the woods, I’m not leaving him here alone.
  • There’s no more pain. No more drugs. No More Demons.

Season 3 Episode 3

  • Oh love. Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
  • The point is that I love you.
  • This is a memorial, dipshit. Did you even bring a casserole?
  • Does anyone around her NOT have a secret wife?
  • I’m a vampire, not an asshole.
  • Well then like a few selfies and slide into my DMs like a normal person.
  • So what am I supposed to do? — Live
  • You’re my favorite person in the whole wide world, baby girl.

Season 3 Episode 4

  • I only call in sick during shark week.
  • This just says “woods, help”. – yeah, can you?
  • Boob smoosh
  • Like a beautiful fairytale porno.
  • Back the truck up. That is…more, please.

Season 3 Episode 5

  • Waverly’s shtupping a cop.
  • I call it the “Don’t Have a Stealth Wife, While You’re Doin’ My Daughter, You Enormous Prick”
  • Blah, bitch. Have you met me?
  • Put down that tart, Randy!
  • I’m here and I stay and I love them back.

Season 3 Episode 6

  • Well, that’s not canon.
  • I guess the menstruangel can go back in my box.
  • I’m vegan. – You’re already a lesbian.
  • Uh, huge dick…He IS a huge dick. I don’t know about his size…down there.

Season 3 Episode 7

  • Nedley, are you looking at my ass? – No.
  • What on God’s flat earth is that?!
  • Guac-a-cuse me?
  • ISIS!
  • Golden Girls Trivia – Drinking.
  • I feel college.
  • You be Scott. – You be Tessa.
  • I miss Macaulay Culkin! – Tell Waverly I love her!
  • I know she’s great in bed because my house has very thin walls.
  • I think this would be a really good time to tell you that I am a LESBIAN.
  • Monique!
  • Everything good that I have in my life is because I came back to the Ghost River Triangle.

Season 3 Episode 8

  • We all know who wrote history and how they have a habit of leaving people who look like me out of official records.
  • Power recognizes power.
  • He’s like a beautiful shirtless Roomba.
  • Constance Clootie! Woman, can’t I have one goddamn dinner party without you getting all up in my biscuits?!
  • It’s no small thing. To be able to choose your own end.

Season 3 Episode 9

  • When we get that thing off, we get off.
  • Everyone stop saying Derek!
  • Leeroy Jenkins!!
  • Girl, put a mitt on it
  • This is Purgatory, Jeremy. I carry a lot of shit in my backpack
  • Waverly Earp…you sweet little lesbian.

Season 3 Episode 10

  • We must, we must, we must – we must increase our bust?
  • And your name’s Kevin? – Did I stutter?
  • I don’t have a boyfriend? – Is it the bangs?
  • You are Wyatt Earp’s boyfriend.
  • Copper’s down with Victoria’s Secret.
  • Ya eyebrows are on fleek!
  • Are you a good guy or a bad guy?
  • If I ever see you again, John Henry… I will kill you.
  • You’re the only thing that keeps me going. You’re the light, Waverly.

Season 3 Episode 11

  • We gotta talk about Kevin.
  • This is bigger than you. – I’ll tell you what’s bigger than you. Me.
  • I am the sheriff in a town under siege! I can’t just road-trip my homey down to Austin for tacos!
  • What makes you think I was a boyscout? – Your face…the whole thing really.
  • She’s brave and loyal and really great in…at, uh, being a good person.
  • I even kinda love you.
  • Does anyone have a phone? We should Periscope this.
  • You Happened. You always happen, Wynonna.

Season 3 Episode 12

  • I fucking loved hunting and killing you all.
  • You’re my personal meditation app. – You can double-tap me anytime.
  • But how does my hair look?
  • Never apologize for love, red.
  • We cut through ’em like RuPaul cuts through performances without heart.
  • Did Lou Bega give up when Mambos 1 through 4 failed? No, he wrote Mambo no. 5 and the rest is music history.
  • I do, Nicole Rayleigh Haught. I really really love you.
  • I’m just a girl with a big ass…ass. – Girl. – You’re right, them boots is tight. – Yeah, Top Shelf.
  • Am I your backup? – I think we both know I’m yours…angel.
  • I don’t want Nedley to die.
  • I bested your mom.
  • Wynonna Earp, You are chosen.
  • VALDEZ (!!!!)
  • Fuck yeah.

Season 4 Episode 1

  • One small step for MILF, one giant leap for MILF kind.
  • YOU ARE ACHITECTURE!
  • Sorry? Gays only.
  • Wynonna Earp, you little motherfuc…
  • Do you have anything of hers? – Yeah, me.
  • Nobody ever uses this couch.
  • Nobody fucks with our family.
  • Thank you for sucking… – I do try, Waverly.
  • No, weird guy, no!
  • Technically it’s a 61
  • I believe the Romans call it Wynonnus Interruptus … that’s not how lesbian-ing works, Wynonna

Season 4 Episode 2

  • I am a fully grown half-angel…and an adult human lady.
  • When I dreamt about dying, it involved me in Waverly’s arms, and Waverly in Sara Lance cosplay.
  • I don’t ever half-ass it, I ass and a half it.
  • Whatever you are, you’re my ass. – – That sounds kinda lesbian.
  • If this is a proposal, I gotta say… it’s missing some baby carrots.
  • You’re…you’re polygamists?
  • I am a gunslinger, you amateur.
  • Dollywood!
  • I’m done submitting to shit. (timely and important, thank you, Andras)
  • Eat shit, shit-eater.

Season 4 Episode 3

  • You smell aggressively bad.
  • Local nogoodnik, Wynonna Earp. – – AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
  • I did faux fur, flirty florals, feminine flannels. (love a good alliteration)
  • apparently I haven’t pooped in 18 months. I have a backlog.
  • What a relief it is to see you. And a letdown to smell you.
  • Well she’d def got no panties.
  • Who’s President Sa-tan? / Not today, seitan.
  • Daddy Blue Eyes. / Dr. Mustache.

Season 4 Episode 4

  • I’d call it “Haught Topics”.
  • I am Carol.
  • Doesn’t want to be seen at the junkyard with her sexy gay aunts.
  • Halloween costume. I’m going as She-Rah. – – Oh my god, I would die.
  • What the fucking fuck?
  • Wynonna Fucking Earp.

Season 4 Episode 5

  • That’s not why they make lube.
  • That should keep out Blah and Order for a while.
  • Yo! Extreme Makeover Homo Edition
  • She doesn’t even go here.
  • You ate a billion frogs.
  • Have you tried chicken soup and a One Day At A Time marathon?
  • What up, Kermit?
  • We are storming the fucking castle.
  • Won’t be the first time. (hey-O)
  • I love you, Waverly Earp.

Season 4 Episode 6

  • PINKY SWEARRR!
  • I think that someone was a ginger goddess.
  • I have no fucking clue what’s happening here, but when in doubt…
  • I thought she was a goddamn frog! – She is a frog, and dead! And also a reaper. Stay with the plot, Nedley!
  • Thank you, Dolls
  • A Xena reboot!
  • The falsetto fuck is that noise?
  • Make your peace.
  • Same, same, bitch.
  • Nicole Haught, will you marry me? – Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you.
  • I love you. – I love you too.

Season 4 Episode 7

  • To all the kisses we have snatched, and vice versa.
  • This is not a soccer locker room!
  • Take seven cold showers and only think about Band Of Brothers.
  • I’m Mount Haught.
  • A horny octopus.
  • Get your homophobia off my homestead.
  • She’s a homophobic hoe, and you fixed it with your magical coochie.
  • Well, fuck me. That was hot.
  • Should we get naked anyway? Just for… science.
  • Love lives in the butt.
  • I have an old copy of Bend it Like Beckham. (Millennial sapphics know)
  • “Get her so sloshed she thinks she’s Jann Arden”

Season 4 Episode 8

  • These buttons are definitely familiar.
  • I like whisky!
  • Happy Halloween, Premium Rhapsody.
  • Don’t step on my nuts, man. I’m off duty.
  • I like red hair. It reminds me of love… and handcuffs.
  • I’m not a hero. I’m a fuck-up. – You can be both.
  • You are, and have always been, my hero.

Season 4 Episode 9

  • Hey! Only I sweep her off her feel.
  • Didn’t you once say, “Eat a dick” to a bunch of vampires?
  • Save it for trivia, downward don’t. – You save it for trivia, online degree. (the little shimmy though).
  • I don’t even like shit.
  • Open up it’s the… – Earp sisters!
  • I need to see if my tweet’s doing numbers.
  • I got you back. That’s my happy.
  • Fuck this chicken!
  • Chicken-kicker is hot.

Season 4 Episode 10

  • Yo, fiancee as cute as Beyonce!
  • I knew you and I would get here eventually. (Wynhaught shippers are living).
  • Well, if marrying my sister was legal, I’d have done it already.
  • Stop, I’m putting my foot down. – Stop, I’m gonna put my foot up your ass!
  • It’s my fucking turn, Wynonna!
  • Strap in, strap on… (hey-o)
  • Save your patronizing mouth-garbage. (I’m going to be using that a lot)
  • As you almost live and sort of breathe!
  • Have you ever seen a demon with a rack like this? – Kate.

Season 4 Episode 11

  • Vamp permission granted, now get over here and suck me off already!
  • Some of these foods are human beings!
  • I’m the goddamn Sheriff of Purgatory. You messed with the wrong town.
  • What is it, sire? There goes all my feminist street cred.
  • I want you in this life.
  • Please don’t go.
  • Your sister loved you very much, Wynonna
  • Where you go, I go, remember?
  • Am I in there? Are we?
  • Don’t oversell it, baby. I only committed to a permanent staycation with my girl.
  • Honestly, Haught, you can’t just interrupt intimate moments like that. – Oh. Okay. Ha, ha.
  • Are you gonna marry me, or what? – Yes, please.

Season 4 Episode 12

  • Hey, Waverly Earp. I can’t wait to be your wife. – Aw, I can’t wait to be your wife.
  • Okay, nobody cares.
  • Baby, if you left me at the altar, I would fuck shit up. I might kill Nedley.
  • Failure is never irreversible and I’m living proof of that.
  • Then why was the aggressive one in your wedding dress?
  • I wouldn’t have changed a note.
  • I don’t have to sleep with him. – Have to?!
  • How do you have like 72 bras and one pair of panties?
  • There’s no way that’s your middle name.
  • The fuck you can’t!
  • Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! – Not you, sweetie pie.
  • You’re the fucking hero we need
  • I’m where I’ve always wanted to be. Home. With my wife.

Bonus:
Oblivious Wynonna
Brave little toaster
Polite No-Chill
Blade of Grass
Earp it Forward
Gooverly
Goononna
“I’m a cheetah.”
Unkillable Gay Squad.
Sharting
The Floor is lava.
Fight. For. Fucking. Wynonna.
Earp Square
“Get you ass up here, my darling”
“Noelle, get the whiteboard!”
Stairs.
#BravoBarrell
#ProudOfMel

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