Wynonna Earp Lines That I Put On A List: S4 Update

Presented with no context. If you don’t know who said the line then you haven’t seen that episode enough.

Disclaimer: There was no real methodology in making this list. I took into account how many times I’ve seen a line repeated throughout the fandom, but really a line making it or not making it just came down to my opinion and how lazy I was about typing out lines at any given point. It’s just for amusement and is endorsed by no one other than me.

Season 1 Episode 1

• Why don’t you slip into something more comfy huh? Like a coma.
• You wanna know how batshit I am? Nobody shoots my family, but me.
• Stupid Carl!

Season 1 Episode 2

• I never blow jobs without a please first.
• Crazy chick with a gun!
• You adorable psycho.
• I’m in a relationship with a boy…man.
  A boy-man? Yeah, I been there. It’s the worst.
• I’m an Earp. I mean Earper. I’m an Earper too.
• If that shit-ticket thinks he’s coming in here uninvited again
  Ok. Ohh I love when you say “shit-ticket”.
• I am The Girl with the big ass gun and one by one I am going to blow you all to hell.
• Do I get a badge? A code name? Oh my God, a flamethrower?

Season 1 Episode 3

• I want them to tremble with fear before me.
  You have powdered sugar on your nose.
• This is not the kind of penetration I’m used to.

Season 1 Episode 4

• I’m supposed to go find all the people I’ve hurt and beg their stupid forgivenesses
  But everyone hates you, Wynonna.
  I’m aware.
• Ego sum totalitar stupet balls. That’s Latin for “I’m totally amaze-balls”.
• I feel so smart right now!

Season 1 Episode 5

•  Wynonna’s going all Wynonna again.
• I was just thinking I need another man to tell me what to do today, and here you are.
• What’s better than dynamite?
  Boobs.

Season 1 Episode 6

• Make your peace.
• How can somebody so pretty be so smart huh?
  ‘Cause there not mutually exclusive.
• Wait. Did I just marry a skull?

Season 1 Episode 7

• Don’t be cross, I got wood.
• Your ass is like… It’s top shelf man. It’s top shelf.
• I’ll never play piano again.
  Do you play piano?
  No.
• Chrissy says she scissored a stripper.

Season 1 Episode 8

• Waverly Earp smiling at me from her front porch.

Season 1 Episode 9

• You’re a lesbian not a unicorn, right?
• To eat geoduck.
  Isn’t that the one that kinda looks like a p…?
• When I think about what I want to do most in this world… It’s you. God that sounded so much more romantic in my head.

Season 1 Episode 10

• Dainty and delicate in blue.
• Difference is, she adores you back.

Season 1 Episode 11

• Eat shit, shit-eaters!
• Dudes dig scars.
  Do chicks?

Season 1 Episode 12

• That is a Bobo No-no.
• I know, baby.
• Wynonna never said anything about you being a…a gay.

Season 1 Episode 13

• I am Doc Holliday. Yesss, that Doc Holliday. And Dolls here, he is just a dick.
• Waverly is Waverly.
• Slim pickings at the hostage hut?
• Girlfriend?
  Um, kind of.
  Kind of?
• Please. I love her.
• Ohh, Waverly. You’re not even an Earp.

Season 2 Episode 1

• My hat! He’s eating my hat!
• Also I am the cops. Kind of, I mean technically I’m…
• I’m his… Wynonna. … Wynonna Earp, though?
• Ok, so this is my sister Waverly and her…
  Girlfriend.
• Aww, you did math.
• Your head looks naked.
• Waverly, that is the worst British accent I have ever heard.
• How do you like my mustache now?
• Not today Satan!

Season 2 Episode 2

• This may be a shit show, but it’s our shit-show.
• What is that doing here near my snacks?
• You are the Earpiest Earp of them all.
• Baby girl, we is the team.
• We’re on the Fury Road Express, baby girl and there aren’t enough flaming guitars and gassy generals to bring us down.
  Oh, I like when you’re scary.
• As long as you want me, I will be by your side.

Season 2 Episode 3

• Wow.
• Uh, baby that’s… That’s everybody’s thing.
• That’s my jam.
• Whiskey-soaked and reckless.
• B-Train
• Not gonna win cop of the year, mind you, with that public display of gal-pal-itis.
• Did I hit my head and wake up in patriarchal bullshit land?
• Lions and tigers and bears. Oh shit.
• Crazy. Awesome. Bitch.

Season 2 Episode 4

• Assholery?
• I’m super bendy.
• Thunderation!
• Ms. Four blankets plus a bonus blanket
• Tacos are tasty
• You can start fires with your mind?!
• Girls are like guns…
• Siri call Doc Holliday.
  Calling Holiday Inn.
  Stupid bitch.

Season 2 Episode 5

• Oh, you’re not vegan are you?
• Quit it, you assholes!
• Well frankly, Lucado, the situation is balls.
• Had a chance to regroup with your ginger Pop tart?
• Waverly Earp, you crafty fox.
• You’ve made an enemy this Friday.
  It’s Tuesday.
  Good to know.
• I would shoot anybody for you.
• Wynonna, you’re not alone.

Season 2 Episode 6

• Shit!
  What?
  I have to pee again.
• God really is dead.
• What. is. happening?
• You taste like my Waverly again.
• We’re gonna need a bigger coat.
• Heaven help that gynecologist.
• Attagirl, Angelpants.
  See you around, Bacon donut.
• I am older than the state of Colorado. Everybody’s too young for me.
• What would The Rock do? What would The Rock do?
• Have you met me? I’m always hot.
• I will judge you. Judge you unexpectedly awesome.
• I’m not saying that it’s going to be ok. I’m just saying… I’m here.
• I am all in.

Season 2 Episode 7

• It’s a bitch thing.
• We got a code rainbow.
• Would you like me to draw you a diagram? ‘Cause I will.
• He’s gonna shoot everything.
• I told you not to make this weird.
  I didn’t say I wouldn’t.
• Ohhh, poop.
• … You’re now a crazy chick with a bun in the oven.
• You don’t become Wynonna Earp by confronting problems head on.
• Don’t “cutie” me… Hi, sweetie-pie.
• Aphrodite made me do it!
• Because it’s like drinking Christmas.
• We just came here for a drink.
  Yeah. And to have a few drinks.
• Yeah, she means her gun. And I got one too ’cause I’m a cop… Ah, nuts! … I left it at home.
• How smart am? I’m…smart.
• Word of advice, it’s always lady’s choice.
• … We really need to skip-a-doodle out of here.
• Wait. Abort, abort. [gasp] Sorry.
• You are so pretty and I like you so much!
• That guy might be the… With… Him.
• Here’s to single motherhood.
  You’re a superhero.
  Same damn thing.
  Wynonna? This baby, what is it?
  Ours.

Season 2 Episode 8

• You know they wanted to call you Welcome? Welcome Earp.
• Tacos are tasty. Tacos are tasty.
• Traitor!
  Bitch.
  Father Juan Carlo.
• I’m the nicest person in Purgatory! There was a vote. I got a sash.
• Mind if I…cock up these mocktails?
  Please. Cock away.
• When in doubt, follow the blonde.
• Because I love you.
• What’s my angel’s name?
  Waverly.
• I’m here. I got you Waverly. Angel.

Season 2 Episode 9

• Holy shit, Dom’s arms. (ok that’s not a line, but that is what I typed when the episode started and I’m leaving it on the list.)
• Who buys one maraca?
• Oh fudgenuggets.
• I’m pregnant, not helpless.
• So, no defect, no bubbles, no magic.
• Sorry, we already have a Dolls.

Season 2 Episode 10

• I’m more of an Ikea kind of girl.
• Get away from her, you bitch!
• We’re gonna have a big old sorry party and I’ll make hats.
• I need you to know that I have never loved anyone the way that I love you.
• Oh my God, your Optimug Prime.
• Doc could find a dildo in a nunnery.
• I’m gonna milk that bitch like a snake.
• I’m her wife.
• Nobody cares about your body.
• Calamity Jane, you minx.
• We got no seals here. We got elk.
• What are you? A witch? A Pokemon?
• You know, we had an actual demon rodeo?
• She really loves you, Waverly Earp.
• My love…
• Give me my Nedley!
• Haught Damn, you made it!
• WYNONNA!!!

Season 2 Episode 11

• I cannot die. I’ve only had sex one and a half times.
• Do you like pickles?
  Love ’em.
• If it’s right, you don’t think about the cliff because you’re sure when you reach the edge, you’ll fly.
• Waverly, you’re my angel.
• I’d do a lot of things to you.
  For… For me.
  Yup! That too.
  You know, Sheriff Haught? You always smell like vanilla dipped donuts. They’re my favorite.
• Hair like a mare with a Hollywood stylist.
• Because I love you.
• I like your boots. I want your boots.
• Oh God, you’re so cool, Haught.
• Also, I think I’m gay. Call you later?
• Where you go, I go.
• I’ve got grass in my thong.

Season 2 Episode 12

• Stand down, you shit strumpets. And you, that is a woman’s coat.
  New gay Waverly’s a little judgey.
• This sucker’s comin’ out my vagina. Yeah, my vagina, Jeremy.
• I’d feel it in my groin.
  I feel like just for that I get to say “vagina” again.
• Nicole’s married.
  To a dude?!
  No, a gorgeous lady doctor.
• Wynonna, I’m not an Earp.
  Like hell you’re not.
• And now… I have to pee again.
• I stayed because I don’t fit in here, but none of you asked me to. I’m allowed to be me.
• Just so everyone’s clear, I’m my own damn weapon. And I’m about to unleash all the shit.
• You read the books?
  The Wikipedia.
• I care more about this than anything else in the world.
• It’s fairly bad etiquette to kill someone after you’ve had your fingers up their vag.
• You are one of the good guys. The best of us.
• I don’t want to. I didn’t realize how much I wouldn’t want to.
• You’re the coolest thing I ever did.
• I’ve got throbbing lady bits and a rage to match. They’re doomed.
• You’re wrong, Wynonna. You’re the best of us.
• That’s easy. You are extraordinary.
• So how’s that divorce coming along?
• Wayhaught.
• Dainty and delicate in blue.
• I’m gonna break this fucking curse, Doc.

Season 3 Episode 1

• Agent Xavier Pamala Dolls?
• Her name is Petra, she’s a vampire, and I love her.
• I’ll tell you what you can eat: a dick.

Season 3 Episode 2

• Jiggling C-cup? Breast…breast alligator. Booby munch.
• Waverly… She’ll be cold.
• I will be down and back before you can say “redheads do it better”.
• He hates the woods, I’m not leaving him here alone.
• There’s no more pain. No more drugs. No More Demons.

Season 3 Episode 3

• Oh love. Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
• The point is that I love you.
• This is a memorial, dipshit. Did you even bring a casserole?
• Does anyone around her NOT have a secret wife?
• I’m a vampire, not an asshole.
• Well then like a few selfies and slide into my DMs like a normal person.
• So what am I supposed to do? — Live
• You’re my favorite person in the whole wide world, baby girl.

Season 3 Episode 4

• I only call in sick during shark week.
• This just says “woods, help”. – yeah, can you?
• Boob smoosh
• Like a beautiful fairytale porno.
• Back the truck up. That is…more, please.

Season 3 Episode 5

• Waverly’s shtupping a cop.
• I call it the “Don’t Have a Stealth Wife, While You’re Doin’ My Daughter, You Enormous Prick”
• Blah, bitch. Have you met me?
• Put down that tart, Randy!
• I’m here and I stay and I love them back.

Season 3 Episode 6

• Well, that’s not canon.
• I guess the menstruangel can go back in my box.
• I’m vegan. – You’re already a lesbian.
• Uh, huge dick…He IS a huge dick. I don’t know about his size…down there.

Season 3 Episode 7

• Nedley, are you looking at my ass? – No.
• What on God’s flat earth is that?!
• Guac-a-cuse me?
• ISIS!
• Golden Girls Trivia – Drinking.
• I feel college.
• You be Scott. – You be Tessa.
• I miss Macaulay Culkin! – Tell Waverly I love her!
• I know she’s great in bed because my house has very thin walls.
• I think this would be a really good time to tell you that I am a LESBIAN.
• Monique!
• Everything good that I have in my life is because I came back to the Ghost River Triangle.

Season 3 Episode 8

• We all know who wrote history and how they have a habit of leaving people who look like me out of official records.
• Power recognizes power.
• He’s like a beautiful shirtless Roomba.
• Constance Clootie! Woman, can’t I have one goddamn dinner party without you getting all up in my biscuits?!
• It’s no small thing. To be able to choose your own end.

Season 3 Episode 9

• When we get that thing off, we get off.
• Everyone stop saying Derek!
• Leeroy Jenkins!!
• Girl, put a mitt on it
• This is Purgatory, Jeremy. I carry a lot of shit in my backpack
• Waverly Earp…you sweet little lesbian.

Season 3 Episode 10

• We must, we must, we must – we must increase our bust?
• And your name’s Kevin? – Did I stutter?
• I don’t have a boyfriend? – Is it the bangs?
• You are Wyatt Earp’s boyfriend.
• Copper’s down with Victoria’s Secret.
• Ya eyebrows are on fleek!
• Are you a good guy or a bad guy?
• If I ever see you again, John Henry… I will kill you.
• You’re the only thing that keeps me going. You’re the light, Waverly.

Season 3 Episode 11

• We gotta talk about Kevin.
• This is bigger than you. – I’ll tell you what’s bigger than you. Me.
• I am the sheriff in a town under siege! I can’t just road-trip my homey down to Austin for tacos!
• What makes you think I was a boyscout? – Your face…the whole thing really.
• She’s brave and loyal and really great in…at, uh, being a good person.
• I even kinda love you.
• Does anyone have a phone? We should Periscope this.
• You Happened. You always happen, Wynonna.

Season 3 Episode 12

• I fucking loved hunting and killing you all.
• You’re my personal meditation app. – You can double-tap me anytime.
• But how does my hair look?
• Never apologize for love, red.
• We cut through ’em like RuPaul cuts through performances without heart.
• Did Lou Bega give up when Mambos 1 through 4 failed? No, he wrote Mambo no. 5 and the rest is music history.
• I do, Nicole Rayleigh Haught. I really really love you.
• I’m just a girl with a big ass…ass. – Girl. – You’re right, them boots is tight. – Yeah, Top Shelf.
• Am I your backup? – I think we both know I’m yours…angel.
• I don’t want Nedley to die.
• I bested your mom.
• Wynonna Earp, You are chosen.
• VALDEZ (!!!!)
• Fuck yeah.

Season 4 Episode 1

• One small step for MILF, one giant leap for MILF kind.
• YOU ARE ACHITECTURE!
• Sorry? Gays only.
• Wynonna Earp, you little motherfuc…
• Do you have anything of hers? – Yeah, me.
• Nobody ever uses this couch.
• Nobody fucks with our family.
• Thank you for sucking… – I do try, Waverly.
• No, weird guy, no!
• Technically it’s a 61
• I believe the Romans call it Wynonnus Interruptus … that’s not how lesbian-ing works, Wynonna

Season 4 Episode 2

• I am a fully grown half-angel…and an adult human lady.
• When I dreamt about dying, it involved me in Waverly’s arms, and Waverly in Sara Lance cosplay.
• I don’t ever half-ass it, I ass and a half it.
• Whatever you are, you’re my ass. – – That sounds kinda lesbian.
• If this is a proposal, I gotta say… it’s missing some baby carrots.
• You’re…you’re polygamists?
• I am a gunslinger, you amateur.
• Dollywood!
• I’m done submitting to shit. (timely and important, thank you, Andras)
• Eat shit, shit-eater.

Season 4 Episode 3

• You smell aggressively bad.
• Local nogoodnik, Wynonna Earp. – – AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
• I did faux fur, flirty florals, feminine flannels. (love a good alliteration)
• apparently I haven’t pooped in 18 months. I have a backlog.
• What a relief it is to see you. And a letdown to smell you.
• Well she’d def got no panties.
• Who’s President Sa-tan? / Not today, seitan.
• Daddy Blue Eyes. / Dr. Mustache.

Season 4 Episode 4

• I’d call it “Haught Topics”.
• I am Carol.
• Doesn’t want to be seen at the junkyard with her sexy gay aunts.
• Halloween costume. I’m going as She-Rah. – – Oh my god, I would die.
• What the fucking fuck?
• Wynonna Fucking Earp.

Season 4 Episode 5

• That’s not why they make lube.
• That should keep out Blah and Order for a while.
• Yo! Extreme Makeover Homo Edition
• She doesn’t even go here.
• You ate a billion frogs.
• Have you tried chicken soup and a One Day At A Time marathon?
• What up, Kermit?
• We are storming the fucking castle.
• Won’t be the first time. (hey-O)
• I love you, Waverly Earp.

Season 4 Episode 6

• PINKY SWEARRR!
• I think that someone was a ginger goddess.
• I have no fucking clue what’s happening here, but when in doubt…
• I thought she was a goddamn frog! – She is a frog, and dead! And also a reaper. Stay with the plot, Nedley!
• Thank you, Dolls
• A Xena reboot!
• The falsetto fuck is that noise?
• Make your peace.
• Same, same, bitch.
• Nicole Haught, will you marry me? – Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you.
• I love you. – I love you too.

Season 4 Episode 7

• To all the kisses we have snatched, and vice versa.
• This is not a soccer locker room!
• Take seven cold showers and only think about Band Of Brothers.
• I’m Mount Haught.
• A horny octopus.
• Get your homophobia off my homestead.
• She’s a homophobic hoe, and you fixed it with your magical coochie.
• Well, fuck me. That was hot.
• Should we get naked anyway? Just for… science.
• Love lives in the butt.
• I have an old copy of Bend it Like Beckham. (Millennial sapphics know)
• “Get her so sloshed she thinks she’s Jann Arden”

Season 4 Episode 8

• These buttons are definitely familiar.
• I like whisky!
• Happy Halloween, Premium Rhapsody.
• Don’t step on my nuts, man. I’m off duty.
• I like red hair. It reminds me of love… and handcuffs.
• I’m not a hero. I’m a fuck-up. – You can be both.
• You are, and have always been, my hero.

Season 4 Episode 9

• Hey! Only I sweep her off her feel.
• Didn’t you once say, “Eat a dick” to a bunch of vampires?
• Save it for trivia, downward don’t. – You save it for trivia, online degree. (the little shimmy though).
• I don’t even like shit.
• Open up it’s the… – Earp sisters!
• I need to see if my tweet’s doing numbers.
• I got you back. That’s my happy.
• Fuck this chicken!
• Chicken-kicker is hot.

Season 4 Episode 10

• Yo, fiancee as cute as Beyonce!
• I knew you and I would get here eventually. (Wynhaught shippers are living).
• Well, if marrying my sister was legal, I’d have done it already.
• Stop, I’m putting my foot down. – Stop, I’m gonna put my foot up your ass!
• It’s my fucking turn, Wynonna!
• Strap in, strap on… (hey-o)
• Save your patronizing mouth-garbage. (I’m going to be using that a lot)
• As you almost live and sort of breathe!
• Have you ever seen a demon with a rack like this? – Kate.

Season 4 Episode 11

• Vamp permission granted, now get over here and suck me off already!
• Some of these foods are human beings!
• I’m the goddamn Sheriff of Purgatory. You messed with the wrong town.
• What is it, sire? There goes all my feminist street cred.
• I want you in this life.
• Please don’t go.
• Your sister loved you very much, Wynonna
• Where you go, I go, remember?
• Am I in there? Are we?
• Don’t oversell it, baby. I only committed to a permanent staycation with my girl.
• Honestly, Haught, you can’t just interrupt intimate moments like that. – Oh. Okay. Ha, ha.
• Are you gonna marry me, or what? – Yes, please.

Season 4 Episode 12

• Hey, Waverly Earp. I can’t wait to be your wife. – Aw, I can’t wait to be your wife.
• Okay, nobody cares.
• Baby, if you left me at the altar, I would fuck shit up. I might kill Nedley.
• Failure is never irreversible and I’m living proof of that.
• Then why was the aggressive one in your wedding dress?
• I wouldn’t have changed a note.
• I don’t have to sleep with him. – Have to?!
• How do you have like 72 bras and one pair of panties?
• There’s no way that’s your middle name.
• The fuck you can’t!
• Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! – Not you, sweetie pie.
• You’re the fucking hero we need
• I’m where I’ve always wanted to be. Home. With my wife.

Bonus:
Oblivious Wynonna
Brave little toaster
Polite No-Chill
Blade of Grass
Earp it Forward
Gooverly
Goononna
“I’m a cheetah.”
Unkillable Gay Squad.
Sharting
The Floor is lava.
Fight. For. Fucking. Wynonna.
Earp Square
“Get you ass up here, my darling”
“Noelle, get the whiteboard!”
Stairs.
#BravoBarrell
#ProudOfMel