Wynonna Earp Lines That I Put On A List

Presented with no context. If you don’t know who said the line then you haven’t seen that episode enough.

Disclaimer: There was no real methodology in making this list. I took into account how many times I’ve seen a line repeated throughout the fandom, but really a line making it or not making it just came down to my opinion and how lazy I was about typing out lines at any given point. It’s just for amusement and is endorsed by no one other than me.

Season 1 Episode 1

• Why don’t you slip into something more comfy huh? Like a coma.
• You wanna know how batshit I am? Nobody shoots my family, but me.
• Stupid Carl!

Season 1 Episode 2

• I never blow jobs without a please first.
• Crazy chick with a gun!
• You adorable psycho.
• I’m in a relationship with a boy…man.
  A boy-man? Yeah, I been there. It’s the worst.
• I’m an Earp. I mean Earper. I’m an Earper too.
• If that shit-ticket thinks he’s coming in here uninvited again
  Ok. Ohh I love when you say “shit-ticket”.
• I am The Girl with the big ass gun and one by one I am going to blow you all to hell.
• Do I get a badge? A code name? Oh my God, a flamethrower?

Season 1 Episode 3

• I want them to tremble with fear before me.
  You have powdered sugar on your nose.
• This is not the kind of penetration I’m used to.

Season 1 Episode 4

• I’m supposed to go find all the people I’ve hurt and beg their stupid forgivenesses
  But everyone hates you, Wynonna.
  I’m aware.
• Ego sum totalitar stupet balls. That’s Latin for “I’m totally amaze-balls”.
• I feel so smart right now!

Season 1 Episode 5

•  Wynonna’s going all Wynonna again.
• I was just thinking I need another man to tell me what to do today, and here you are.
• What’s better than dynamite?
  Boobs.

Season 1 Episode 6

• Make your peace.
• How can somebody so pretty be so smart huh?
  ‘Cause there not mutually exclusive.
• Wait. Did I just marry a skull?

Season 1 Episode 7

• Don’t be cross, I got wood.
• Your ass is like… It’s top shelf man. It’s top shelf.
• I’ll never play piano again.
  Do you play piano?
  No.
• Chrissy says she scissored a stripper.

Season 1 Episode 8

• Waverly Earp smiling at me from her front porch.

Season 1 Episode 9

• You’re a lesbian not a unicorn, right?
• To eat geoduck.
  Isn’t that the one that kinda looks like a p…?
• When I think about what I want to do most in this world… It’s you. God that sounded so much more romantic in my head.

Season 1 Episode 10

• Dainty and delicate in blue.
• Difference is, she adores you back.

Season 1 Episode 11

• Eat shit, shit-eaters!
• Dudes dig scars.
  Do chicks?

Season 1 Episode 12

• That is a Bobo No-no.
• I know, baby.
• Wynonna never said anything about you being a…a gay.

Season 1 Episode 13

• I am Doc Holliday. Yesss, that Doc Holliday. And Dolls here, he is just a dick.
• Waverly is Waverly.
• Slim pickings at the hostage hut?
• Girlfriend?
  Um, kind of.
  Kind of?
• Please. I love her.
• Ohh, Waverly. You’re not even an Earp.

Season 2 Episode 1

• My hat! He’s eating my hat!
• Also I am the cops. Kind of, I mean technically I’m…
• I’m his… Wynonna. … Wynonna Earp, though?
• Ok, so this is my sister Waverly and her…
  Girlfriend.
• Aww, you did math.
• Your head looks naked.
• Waverly, that is the worst British accent I have ever heard.
• How do you like my moustache now?
• Not today Satan!

Season 2 Episode 2

• This may be a shit show, but it’s our shitshow.
• What is that doing here near my snacks?
• You are the Earpiest Earp of them all.
• Baby girl, we is the team.
• We’re on the Fury Road Express, baby girl and there aren’t enough flaming guitars and gassy generals to bring us down.
  Oh, I like when you’re scary.
• As long as you want me, I will be by your side.

Season 2 Episode 3

• Wow.
• Uh, baby that’s… That’s everybody’s thing.
• That’s my jam.
• Whiskey-soaked and reckless.
• B-Train
• Not gonna win cop of the year, mind you, with that public display of gal-pal-itis.
• Did I hit my head and wake up in patriarchal bullshit land?
• Lions and tigers and bears. Oh shit.
• Crazy. Awesome. Bitch.

Season 2 Episode 4

• Assholery?
• I’m super bendy.
• Thunderation!
• Ms. Four blankets plus a bonus blanket
• Tacos are tasty
• You can start fires with your mind?!
• Girls are like guns…
• Siri call Doc Holliday.
  Calling Holiday Inn.
  Stupid bitch.

Season 2 Episode 5

• Oh, you’re not vegan are you?
• Quit it, you assholes!
• Well frankly, Lucado, the situation is balls.
• Had a chance to regroup with your ginger Pop tart?
• Waverly Earp, you crafty fox.
• You’ve made an enemy this Friday.
  It’s Tuesday.
  Good to know.
• I would shoot anybody for you.
• Wynonna, you’re not alone.

Season 2 Episode 6

• Shit!
  What?
  I have to pee again.
• God really is dead.
• What is happening?
• You taste like my Waverly again.
• We’re gonna need a bigger coat.
• Heaven help that gynecologist.
• Attagirl, Angelpants.
  See you around, Bacon donut.
• I am older than the state of Colorado. Everybody’s too young for me.
• What would The Rock do? What would The Rock do?
• Have you met me? I’m always hot.
• I will judge you. Judge you unexpectedly awesome.
• I’m not saying that it’s going to be ok. I’m just saying… I’m here.
• I am all in.

Season 2 Episode 7

• It’s a bitch thing.
• We got a code rainbow.
• Would you like me to draw you a diagram? ‘Cause I will.
• He’s gonna shoot everything.
• I told you not to make this weird.
  I didn’t say I wouldn’t.
• Ohhh, poop.
• … You’re now a crazy chick with a bun in the oven.
• You don’t become Wynonna Earp by confronting problems head on.
• Don’t “cutie” me… Hi, sweetie-pie.
• Aphrodite made me do it!
• Because it’s like drinking Christmas.
• We just came here for a drink.
  Yeah. And to have a few drinks.
• Yeah, she means her gun. And I got one too ’cause I’m a cop… Ah, nuts! … I left it at home.
• How smart am? I’m…smart.
• Word of advice, it’s always lady’s choice.
• … We really need to skip-a-doodle out of here.
• Wait. Abort, abort. [gasp] Sorry.
• You are so pretty and I like you so much!
• That guy might be the… With… Him.
• Here’s to single motherhood.
  You’re a superhero.
  Same damn thing.
  Wynonna? This baby, what is it?
  Ours.

Season 2 Episode 8

• You know they wanted to call you Welcome? Welcome Earp.
• Tacos are tasty. Tacos are tasty.
• Traitor!
  Bitch.
  Father Juan Carlo.
• I’m the nicest person in Purgatory! There was a vote. I got a sash.
• Mind if I…cock up these mocktails?
  Please. Cock away.
• When in doubt, follow the blonde.
• Because I love you.
• What’s my angel’s name?
  Waverly.
• I’m here. I got you Waverly. Angel.

Season 2 Episode 9

• Holy shit, Dom’s arms. (ok that’s not a line, but that is what I typed when the episode started and I’m leaving it on the list.)
• Who buys one maraca?
• Oh fudgenuggets.
• I’m pregnant, not helpless.
• So, no defect, no bubbles, no magic.
• Sorry, we already have a Dolls.

Season 2 Episode 10

• I’m more of an Ikea kind of girl.
• Get away from her, you bitch!
• We’re gonna have a big old sorry party and I’ll make hats.
• I need you to know that I have never loved anyone the way that I love you.
• Oh my God, your Optimug Prime.
• Doc could find a dildo in a nunnery.
• I’m gonna milk that bitch like a snake.
• I’m her wife.
• Nobody cares about your body.
• Calamity Jane, you minx.
• We got no seals here. We got elk.
• What are you? A witch? A Pokemon?
• You know, we had an actual demon rodeo?
• She really loves you, Waverly Earp.
• My love…
• Give me my Nedley.
• Haught Damn, you made it!
• WYNONNA!!!

Season 2 Episode 11

• I cannot die. I’ve only had sex one and a half times.
• Do you like pickles?
  Love ’em.
• If it’s right, you don’t think about the cliff because you’re sure when you reach the edge, you’ll fly.
• Waverly, you’re my angel.
• I’d do a lot of things to you.
  For… For me.
  Yup! That too.
  You know, Sheriff Haught? You always smell like vanilla dipped donuts. They’re my favorite.
• Hair like a mare with a Hollywood stylist.
• Because I love you.
• I like your boots. I want your boots.
• Oh God, you’re so cool, Haught.
• Also, I think I’m gay. Call you later?
• Where you go, I go.
• I’ve got grass in my thong.

Season 2 Episode 12

• Stand down, you shit strumpets. And you, that is a woman’s coat.
  New gay Waverly’s a little judgey.
• This sucker’s comin’ out my vagina. Yeah, my vagina, Jeremy.
• I’d feel it in my groin.
  I feel like just for that I get to say “vagina” again.
• Nicole’s married.
  To a dude?!
  No, a gorgeous lady doctor.
• Wynonna, I’m not an Earp.
  Like hell you’re not.
• And now… I have to pee again.
• I stayed because I don’t fit in here, but none of you asked me to. I’m allowed to be me.
• Just so everyone’s clear, I’m my own damn weapon. And I’m about to unleash all the shit.
• You read the books?
  The Wikipedia.
• I care more about this than anything else in the world.
• It’s fairly bad etiquette to kill someone after you’ve had your fingers up their vag.
• You are one of the good guys. The best of us.
• I don’t want to. I didn’t realize how much I wouldn’t want to.
• You’re the coolest thing I ever did.
• I’ve got throbbing lady bits and a rage to match. They’re doomed.
• You’re wrong, Wynonna. You’re the best of us.
• That’s easy. You are extraordinary.
• So how’s that divorce coming along?
• Wayhaught.
• Dainty and delicate in blue.
• I’m gonna break this fucking curse, Doc.

Bonus:
Oblivious Wynonna
Brave little toaster
Polite No-Chill
Earp it Forward
Gooverly
Goononna
“I’m a cheetah.”
Unkillable Gay Squad.